Let me preface this one with these statements:
1. I'm not exactly sure where this one is going, but I know I am supposed to share.
2. It directly relates to the Lord working in me and speaking to me.
3. It eventually relates to this adoption.
So . . . how to start? My prayer in sharing this is that it somehow helps someone, and that my heart be heard clearly that I am not writing to complain or malign anyone, rather to show how the Lord has taken something ugly and made it incredibly beautiful. . . . The past few years of my life have been pretty difficult relating to my relationships with my parents. To make a REALLY LONG story reallyshort . . . both of my parents have struggled with substance abuse my whole life. They divorced about three years ago, and things got pretty messy. As a result, I have virtually no relationship with either of them. For the last three years I have wrestled with my role in this. I often asked myself, and my husband, "How can I set boundaries for healthy relationships and still show love, grace, and mercy?" I wrestled with how to help them yet not get dragged into the mess. . . . What I have recently learned is what I really wanted to know was, "How can I fix them?" Now, I KNOW the answer to that - I can't. Only God can. But admitting that and really KNOWING that is a different story!
So, here's the cool part. . . . As I was driving home from school one day a few months ago, feeling kind of sorry for myself, wanting my parents to be different, wondering what I could/should do differently . . . God began to speak to my heart. He showed me that it is not about me!!!!!! I can't fix them. I can't do anything differently. The state of things are not my fault. Then, a hard truth . . . I have been abandoned. (Please know that I don't say that to point a finger at my parents. Again, this is just to show what AWESOME things the Lord is speaking to me!) While that's a really hard thing to hear and accept, the Lord quickly let freedom wash over me! There is such freedom in knowing that I cannot change these circumstances! I can't "fix" or change anything! My role is simply to forgive and move on and rest in the Lord's hands. Though I have been abandoned by earthly parents, God, my Creator, has adopted me as his own daughter! My identity and worth rests in Him alone! Then, the really, REALLY cool part . . . the Lord let me see a small part of His master plan in my life . . . I am about to adopt two children who have been abandoned, and He has chosen me to be their mom! Though our reasons may be vastly different, there are thoughts, feelings, and emotions that they will experience to which I can directly relate! Not only has the Lord redeemed this situation for me by drawing me closer to Himself, again I am reminded that it is not just about me. He reaches even further to my future children. I believe that He ordained these things to draw them closer to Himself as well.
As if that weren't enough, in His awesome grace and mercy, He has also redeemed what a family looks like for me by giving me an AMAZING husband who loves me and pursues me and whose parents define a Godly marriage and family. They, too, have adopted me into their family. My grandmother is a pretty amazing woman who sees me and takes care of me as a daughter. Not to mention that my relationship with my brother has been restored and strengthened through this time. AND, I have been blessed with an AMAZING church family that loves me and shows me Jesus daily!
The sermon this past Sunday was on suffering and comfort. I've often heard the saying that "God never wastes a hurt." Burnie further defined this concept by saying something like: Sometimes we suffer so that the Lord can comfort us, and sometimes we suffer so that the Lord can comfort others through us. In this situation in my life, the Lord has definitely done both. I had been treasuring these things in my heart sharing only with a few people because I wasn't really sure what and how much to share, but through Burnie's message, the Holy Spirit made it clear that I was to share. . . . So, know that though everything should not be posted on this blog, I am an open book, and I would be happy to share any of this with you if the Lord can use it to bring comfort in your suffering. May God richly bless you as He has blessed me! :)
